Lately I’ve been feeling lost. Where is my life headed? What do I want to do with my life? What does the future have in store for me? I have been relentlessly searching for answers. I think the main reason I still can’t find the answers to these questions is that much of my futuristic plans have been dependent on one thing: witnessing tangible change in my country. The alternative scenario has always been inexcusable and hence, I couldn’t and still can’t picture a future that lacks the change that I yearn for with every ounce of my being.
The question remains; when does one accept the indubitable reality? When is it time to acknowledge that hope is nothing but a sheer mirage?
This country; the regime’s countless human rights violations and atrocities, the state’s economic meltdown, the deterioration of the public sector and, most importantly, the people’s ostensible content with the status quo… until when?
Until when am I supposed to remain optimistic? How many more protests do I have to go to wearing a smile on my face, assuring everyone whose gaze falls on mine that what Safia Ishaq said was true; that things will get better? Most notably, what is a meek, sporadic activist like me expected to do when the real activists of Sudan, the famous and inspirational ones, have given up and raised the white flag?
What was the cause again? I can’t seem to remember what we are fighting for anymore. I have to constantly remind myself.
When I see influential people in the activist community have surrendered, not because the NCP is all strong and mighty, but because the people they are fighting the cause for aren’t moving a muscle, I can’t help but feel frustrated. I then ponder, what is a silly girl like me doing trying to spark change when those who can tangibly make it happen have abandoned all hope?
Honestly, I am tired and worn out. I don’t know how much sanguinity is left in me, but I know my optimism is running thin. I have not given up yet, and I doubt that I will anytime soon, but I need to find some answers in order to maintain my sanity.
I have been so consumed with Sudan and its endless problems that I have lost sight of my own problems, my own life. But how do I shake off this conviction that, if I pursue my own dreams and live my own life outside the walls of “the cause”, I would be abandoning it and giving up on my country?
Where is my life headed? What do I want to do with my life? What does the future have in store for me?
…where do I find the answers?
The question remains; when does one accept the indubitable reality? When is it time to acknowledge that hope is nothing but a sheer mirage?
This country; the regime’s countless human rights violations and atrocities, the state’s economic meltdown, the deterioration of the public sector and, most importantly, the people’s ostensible content with the status quo… until when?
Until when am I supposed to remain optimistic? How many more protests do I have to go to wearing a smile on my face, assuring everyone whose gaze falls on mine that what Safia Ishaq said was true; that things will get better? Most notably, what is a meek, sporadic activist like me expected to do when the real activists of Sudan, the famous and inspirational ones, have given up and raised the white flag?
What was the cause again? I can’t seem to remember what we are fighting for anymore. I have to constantly remind myself.
When I see influential people in the activist community have surrendered, not because the NCP is all strong and mighty, but because the people they are fighting the cause for aren’t moving a muscle, I can’t help but feel frustrated. I then ponder, what is a silly girl like me doing trying to spark change when those who can tangibly make it happen have abandoned all hope?
Honestly, I am tired and worn out. I don’t know how much sanguinity is left in me, but I know my optimism is running thin. I have not given up yet, and I doubt that I will anytime soon, but I need to find some answers in order to maintain my sanity.
I have been so consumed with Sudan and its endless problems that I have lost sight of my own problems, my own life. But how do I shake off this conviction that, if I pursue my own dreams and live my own life outside the walls of “the cause”, I would be abandoning it and giving up on my country?
But is being unhappy really worth it? And how much can I contribute to the cause if I am feeling unmotivated? When is it time to put “the cause” on hold and go on a soul
searching journey to find my calling?
Where is my life headed? What do I want to do with my life? What does the future have in store for me?
…where do I find the answers?
The ones with highest optimism are always the ones that crash and burn. Change will happen, but not as soon as you expect it. The reality is NCP's grip is as strong as ever, once activists understand where they stand and stop dream-believe only they can make a difference. Reality is the absolute majority of the Sudanese people are not on twitter and don't know what a blog is. In fact they wouldn't know what is happening in the next suburb if it's not on traditional media. We have to accept the reality and work within it not in an imagend fantasy world where a tweet can cause tidal waves wiping out the Republican Palace.
ReplyDeleteI actually disagree with you on one thing: the NCP's grip is slowly loosening. It is no secret that the small community of activists currently on the ground has had enough influence to actually plant fear in the regime.. hence the frequent crackdown on activists/journalists/lawyers/students etc. If the community of Sudanese activists (actual ones) widens by even a small margin then we have an excellent chance of sparking change in the near future. Change is inevitable. This is a conviction that no pessimist will ever take away from me.
DeleteMy blog post was not meant to highlight "social media activism", or how tweets are considered insignificant by the self-proclaimed revolutionaries of Sudan. Yes, the majority of Sudan can only be reached by more traditional means.. and many peaceful youth movements are well aware of that and are working towards it on a grassroots level. As a simple example, handing out pamphlets about citizens' rights at a busy local market or public transportation station can go a long way. It is happening as we speak; and it's just a matter of time.
*imagined
DeleteMimz, you spoke on behalf of many activists including myself. I always knew that the biggest obstacle to change is not the NCP regime. If that was the case, I would have been ready to shed my blood to see the NCP go away. But the reality is that the biggest hurdle in the path of change is the society itself, which is the mother that gave birth to the ruling regime and which continues to supply it with men and women that exhibit the lack of competency and the short-sighted vision that is an inherent characteristic of our society (I say it with a grain of salt on my tongue).
ReplyDeleteI learned -the hard way- that change will be a slow process that will involve the new generations of kindergarteners and elementary schoolers. Those will have to be taught self-confidence, work ethic, respect for time, responsibility, creativity and most importantly love for their country.
The activists community in Sudan seem to have a lot of energy and will to print the fliers, do the demonstrations and shout the Egyptian slogans. But what this community lacks is the strategic vision to study the history of the people of Sudan to understand the circumstances that shaped our present and diagnose the diseases that are the root cause of the symptoms of today. By history, I do not mean the bogus history that they teach in Sudanese schools that glorifies a fanatic self-proclaimed prophet and turns a blind eye to all the failing of our 'rich past'. It is misinformed and even naive to pin all our problems on the NCP. The way I see it, the NCP is one symptom of many we suffer from. Thus, removing the NCP will be nothing but a Panadol pill given as a cure to a cancer patient. It will sooth now but lead to more of the same after eight hours. We saw that happen in 1963 and 1983.
I strongly urge the activist community to use scientific method and engage in deep unbiased discussions to construct a long-term plan that tackles the issues of today and the hopes of tomorrow. Otherwise, we will continue to do the same thing many people did before us tens and hundreds of years ago without any reward. We are merely reinventing the wheel. It is time to break the loop. Lets study the history, lets think the issues, lets design the solutions and lets build the activism machine.
I urge you to continue working towards a better Sudan and remaining highly optimistic but I also ask you to remember that changing a country plagued with so much ignorance and dysfunction takes more than 'busy muscular activism'. It also takes intellectual movement and 'brain activism' which I am sure we are more than capable of doing if we chose to. It just takes a realization and a decision.
As far as Twitter is concerned, I see it as an important means for activists to meet and share ideas and build momentum for the intellectual discussions. Hence, it will, for now, remain an elitist tool, but it is worth noting that this elite is the group that will implement the plan and decimate the ideas to the Raksha driver, the corner store owner, the tea lady and most importantly to our children and our students.
Moments like these are not unfamiliar, but thankfully they (almost) always pass. I agree with both comments, in that change is happening but slower than we would like, and that we need a change of strategy. One thing I have learned is that the small the front we choose on which to fight the battle, the easier it is to win. And we can take it one battle at a time, starting from where we are most competent. For me, starting at the healthcare sector is what is available now, and comments about how doctors are 'expected' to be incompenet, 'expected' not to respect time and work ethics, 'expected' to treat patients like dirt, are not acceptable anymore. And, believe it or not, people stop laughing at you after a while. The point is this: even if things like they are not getting better, you still need to keep going. There is no such thing as losing hope or interest when your goal is the greater good. No one said it was going to be easy, and we don't really need a revolution to get things going, we can do it one small step at a time. Like, for example, starting a small movement that feeds and clothes the poor through Ramadan and Eid hampers =)
ReplyDeleteNever lose hope. Change is coming. Wu Allaho alMowafiq.
On another point, building your own career is also improvement. You can't be of much help to yourself or anyone else if you don't progress. Even if it means going abroad, which it almost always does, then keep in mind that this is only temporary and you will come back wiser and stronger than before, and much more motivated. Also, activism ma bi2akil 3eish, so you need to have another source of income ;)
ReplyDeleteWhat do you make of Magdi el-Gizouli's piece "Sudan, the arab Spring, and the politics of fatigue"?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.boell.de/downloads/Sudan_after_Separation_kommentierbar.pdf
One can almost get a sense of sympathy from Dr. Gizouli with the police "discplining" these so called teenage 'Facebook youth.'
Deletethere we have it. The contempt is infectious.
-cordonedsudan
One thing I've learned with time is to neither be liberal nor conservative, but independent.
ReplyDeleteIn my days, I used to read the following papers>
International Herald Tribune (pre-NYT bullshit)
Washington Post
The Economist
and any right-wing newspaper/magazine for interesting analysis and discourse.
The only left of center paper I'm interested in is TheGuardian
When I read, I read to understand thought-patterns and study argumentation. Those are the nitties gritties (as Nesrine quoted an NCPer as saying).
But I also read for ideas.
And guess, I change. I challenge my assumptions. I grow, to the point of challenging my own parents and seeing that they themselves, though progressive, are limited and lack clarity and plasticity in mind.
Every generation makes way for the new. The new are uplifters. In time, I will expect and applaud my own kids to challenge my own thoughts and views.
I used to actively comment on the MakingSenseOfSudan website to highlight a point that Sudanese need to contribute... write, write, write, read, read, read, and change for the better. Freedom of Speech is not just a steam valve, it actually creates change by way of discussion. It's the only way nations of millions can listen, argue, and evolve perspectives for a common purpose. Of course it should be counter-balanced by timing, reservation, and yielding the floor.
-Cordoned
kept trying to post another comment but it gets automatically deleted. I shall refrain from posting it.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing Mimz.
-Cordoned