Take my baby, I insist!

We’ve all heard of couples who can’t have kids of their own adopting babies. The adopted babies are often orphans, and sometimes they’re abandoned by their own mothers who give them away to escape the social stigma of giving birth out of wedlock (disgusting but factual).

A relative of mine, let’s call her Filana, has been married for 10 years. She and her husband, Filan, have been trying to get pregnant for years but haven’t had any luck. Finally, they decided to adopt a child. Last year, when she asked for my opinion, I was so excited and suggested we go together to the Mygoma Orphanage where she can take one of the kids home with her. I also suggested that we first visit a farm that I used to volunteer at, conveniently located at a walking distance from my house, where the Mygoma kids are often sent to receive hippotherapy. There, I told her, she can meet the children, interact with them and make a final decision whether or not she wants to go through with this. I was certain that one look at these beautiful children will be enough to prompt Filana to take one home with her.

A few weeks later, there was a buzz about Filana and Filan finally adopting a baby girl. As predicted, family members’ reactions ranged between approving and critical. I thought that Filana may have gone to the Mygoma without me, nevertheless I was very thrilled for her and her husband. They were finally going to be happy.

After a few days passed, I met Filana at a family gathering and she introduced me to Filana, Jr., an adorable baby girl she was feeding milk to out of a bottle. She looked too tiny, may have been 1-month old. I started a conversation with her enquiring about her experience.

Me: So, how was it at the orphanage? Your first time, wasn’t it? It must’ve been really emotional for you. It can’t be easy having to choose which child you will end up giving a home to while leaving the rest behind. Picking out one baby out of hundreds, I can’t imagine the agony of it…

Filana: Oh, it wasn’t that bad. I was even luckier than I thought. I didn’t even have to go to this orphanage you always talk about.

Me: I see, did you go to another orphanage?

Filana: Actually, Filana, Jr. is my husband’s niece. Her biological father, Faloon, is my husband’s brother. His wife was pregnant, and they already had three girls. Faloon promised my husband that if his wife delivers a fourth girl this time, he will give her to us. Alhamdulillah, it was a girl and Faloon kept his word. She is ours now.

Me *flabbergasted*: Mabrook ya Hinaya. I mean ya Filana.

I went home that day with three thoughts consuming my head, in addition to the huge “WTF” that accompanied me for days to come.

1) Ordinary people give away their babies now? Perfectly healthy babies who are their own flesh and blood? And for what? For common courtesy? Is this a whole new level of Sudanese hospitality? Did the lady go, “God has blessed me with three little ones already, you need this one more than I do... take my baby, I insist!” Did Faloon tell his brother, “Wallahi as long as I’m alive and breathing, and have a kid to spare, you won’t set foot in that orphanage... take my baby, I insist!”

2) What about the hundreds of babies at the Mygoma Orphanage? What about babies left at the gate of the orphanage and others found on the streets? Do they know how many of the 1,500 abandoned babies every year end up surviving and how many die? Was there a lack in children who needed a home, food and clothing that prompted Filana and her husband to resort to taking a baby who already had a family?

3) What about Filana, Jr.? Won't she resent her parents for giving her away, even if to her own uncle? How confused will her life be, having an uncle for a father and a father for an uncle? How will she explain this to her friends growing up? What about her three sisters, is seeing them once a week the same as growing up with them, playing with them, having them around? How unfair is this to her?

While some of you may think it was Filana’s right to opt for the baby with the less complications and the unstained reputation who will not cause her and her husband any problems in the future given its origin, I, on the other hand, ask you this: when did beggars become choosers? And why is it okay for this to happen? How messed up must our community be to accept for a mother to give her child away to a stranger, and reject for another childless woman dying to become a mother to take in an illegitimate child? Why is the former considered a heroine and the latter a crazy b****? And how messed up must we be to abide by these messed up rules that can in no way be traced to religion?

What we need to do is grow up, stand up for what we believe in and fight these hypocritical laws, instead of robotically following them in order to conform, wanting so badly to be accepted by a society that puts blame on innocent children whose only fault is being born into a cruel, cruel world.

Note to Sudanese unmarried couples having unprotected sex: Either use protection, practice abstinence or move to another country that has more tolerance for illegitimate babies.

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